


Worth Two in the Bush

by TheWillowBends



Category: Lucifer (TV), The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Humor, Link Never Gets a Word in Edgewise, Lucifer Never Shuts Up, Two Idiots at Large
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26350153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWillowBends/pseuds/TheWillowBends
Summary: Link is used to uncommon strangers walking into his life, but this fellow with the wings and a penchant for running his mouth nonstop may actually take the cake.  Now if he'd only stop talking long enough for them to figure out their next step.Breath of the Wild/Lucifer (TV) crossover by request.  Completely unserious.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	Worth Two in the Bush

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr request for the strangest crossover ever.

His companion liked to talk.

Link knew this because the man had been talking since their first encounter when he had crash landed outside of his home in Hateno Village. He had continued talking through the evening after Link had dragged him into the house and gotten him sorted, even after polishing off the last two bottles of his Gerudo wine. In the morning, he had begun inquiring almost immediately about what was to be done about his situation (Impa, he thought, definitely one for her), as he had “very important business” to get done with “The Detective” (Link could feel the capitalization implied in his tone). And now, he was still talking as they traveled down the road toward Zora territory. Most of what he talked about, Link hadn’t the faintest clue to what it pertained, but he was clearly passionate about it and spoke about it at length with humor and surprising fluency.

The experience was both novel and nerve-rattling after so many months of carrying the weight of both his sword and his silence. Novel, because Lucifer was certainly peculiar and of interest, nerve-rattling because he literally would not shut up, not even after they encountered a hidden nest of bokoblins. He fired off three arrows in quick succession, the third going wide as he started as Lucifer flung a wing out in a broad, gleaming, fatal arc and cleanly removed the head of the last, very startled bokoblin.

Link had forgotten about the wings. He was still digesting the fact that the guy had wings.

His companion was unperturbed. “Rather unfriendly sort, aren’t they? I’d say it reminds me of Hell, but even the demons were better company than that. Is everything in your world so primitive or is it merely my misfortune to have been dropped in the most well-funded Renfaire nightmare this side of a Tolkien convention?”

Link didn’t know who this Tolkien was, but he definitely did not like Lucifer’s tone and gave him a sharp look for it, which Lucifer promptly ignored.

He watched as the other man adjusted his cufflinks on a suit that had seen better days - which he insisted on wearing despite bemoaning its ruin a tragedy of its own. In fairness, it wasn’t much Link could offer that would have fit him, anyhow. Lucifer towered over not just him but the majority of the Hylian residents they came across, so much so that Link considered whether he could have been an aberrant male offspring of the Gerudo, but his complexion spoke fair and his dialect had not their rhythmic lilt but rather the crisp, clipped sound of the old Hyrule courts. Back when there was one, anyhow.

Lucifer must have taken his silence as an answer, so he shrugged his wings away (and wasn’t that nearly as remarkable as their existence themselves) and brushed some bokoblin splatter from his shoulder. That was another mystery in and of itself - despite his elegant apparel and generally imperious mien, the violence seemed to have hardly fazed him. Link filed away with the rest of the crazy he had labeled the mental box named “Lucifer.”

“Where off to now, then? More riveting scenic travel through the idyllic monotony of open grassland? Another row with the natives?”

Link’s patience was waning rapidly. He opened his mouth to tell him exactly what he thought of interdimensional travelers who descended in an otherworldly fireball, crashing into and destroying his favorite vegetable garden, finished off all of his alcohol stores in one night, and then insulted his fashion sense, when he was interrupted by the sound of bushes rustling. Both of them turned abruptly to face the intruder, Link’s sword raised in warning.

The young woman who stepped out from the outcropping gave them both a look of alarm as she spotted them, first at Link’s sword, then at Lucifer’s…everything.

“Oh, hello there! I wasn’t expecting to encounter strangers ‘round here!” Her eyes flicked between them, and a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. “Or such handsome ones, for that matter.”

Lucifer preened. Link ignored him, fastening his gaze on her, though sheathed his sword. She seemed to take this as an invitation and moved out of the foliage.

“Where are you two headed?”

“Certainly nowhere as interesting as where you are going, darling. Or _coming_ , for that matter,” Lucifer cut in with a grin. He stepped out between the two of them, offering his hand, leaning a touch too close to her. “The name is Lucifer. Morningstar.”

“Nice to meet you….Mis - Mister Morningstar,” she said, catching her own words. She blinked owlishly, then added quickly, “I’m Riza.”

Lucifer’s smile only grew wider, and Link rolled his eyes.

She cleared her throat, blushing. “You don’t look like you’re from around these parts.”

“Quite. Long story, love, involves a very angry knife and a space vagina, but I’ve been in stranger places as it were. Hitler’s art studio, for instance.”

“Oh, oh that’s, uh, very interesting.” Riza looked askance and traded A Look™ with Link. “Have you come by way of Hateno village, by chance?”

“That cheery little backwater with the vertically challenged residents? What a coincidence, we most certainly have. My laconic companion here has us off to consult some ‘Sheikah elder,’ or something of that nature, to see if she’s got the cure for this little interdimensional travel problem of mine.”

Riza’s eyes narrowed, cutting a glance between the two of them. “You’re friends of Impa.”

“Friends is a stretch at present, though I am hardly one to turn down an opportunity to _know_ a woman better,” Lucifer answered with a smirk.

“So you’re going to Kakariko village, coming from Hateno village,” she asked again, clarifying abruptly.

Something in her tone had sharpened, and Link fastened his gaze on her, suddenly suspicious. He tried to recall her face from his previous travels, outside the Necluda peninsula. Somewhere farther out, maybe near…

“I just said that,” Lucifer answered in exasperation. “Are you hard of hearing or something?”

Several things happened at once. Riza whipped a knife free of her belt and sent it spinning toward Lucifer, who looked at it with puzzlement as it bounced off his chest, then forced him backwards with a spiral kick. Link pulled his sword free from his sheath milliseconds after, twisting his body to throw the full power of his strength into the blow as he swung forward. The glamour exploded off her in a wave of magic, revealing her yiga armor, backflipping to dodge the strike of his blade.

Of course, he thought, moving forward aggressively to pursue her, his sword swinging upwards in a diagonal arc. Something about her features had been a little too familiar, and he remembered well enough the young woman he had encountered near the Zora springs only days earlier. It was impossible for her to have come that way in the same amount of time from the opposite direction, and her interest in where they were heading had done the rest of the work in clearing up his suspicion.

She blocked his sword with one of her long knives, dodging the punch he followed it up with and landing a glancing blow of her own at his shoulder. Fortunately, the blade’s edge bounced off the edge of his armored shoulder, throwing off her balance. He moved in on her, sending out a sweeping kick that caught her unawares. She caught herself only at the last minute, somersaulting backwards to avoid the next blow. Frustrated, he gritted his teeth and went for his quiver -

A sharp whistle startled them both, and they both froze and turned dumbly to see Lucifer standing nearby looking determinedly put out.

“Are you quite done?” he asked, brushing grass off his shoulder, then adjusting his cufflinks one after another with exaggerated movements.

Riza snarled. “Our work is never finished until the Hero lies dead and buried and Lord Ganon is allowed to rise again and be restored to his rightful place of power.”

“Yes, yes, very exciting. Sounds very Revelations and all. However, as entertaining as this violent little tête-à-tête appears to be, I am most certainly short on time and patience both, and more importantly, I imagine the Detective has worked herself up in quite a tizzy over my absence. Therefore, let’s get this done and over.”

Moving in on them, he forcibly pushed Link aside to stand before Riza. “Come now, miss….I suppose Riza isn’t your real name, but no matter. Legolas here won’t be attacking you for the moment.”

The Yiga assassin sat crouched for a moment longer before slowly, warily getting to her feet. When she was at full height before him, Lucifer clapped his hands in approval.

“Excellent. Now, my dear, I need you to look me in the eye and answer one very simple question for me: what is it that you desire?”

Beyond affronted, Link started to move in on them, but Lucifer held up a hand in warning, annoyed. “Do not interrupt us.” Turning back to the Yiga, he reached out a hand to stroke her masked face. “Come now darling, I know you wish to tell me. A life of humorless roadway murder can’t be all that exists for you.”

To Link’s shock, he watched as the martial tension eased from Riza’s body, the knife falling to the ground. She swayed for a moment, then opened her mouth and out came - 

“Banana.”

Lucifer pulled back abruptly. “What?”

“I want,” she repeated firmly, “a banana.”

Link stifled a laugh. Lucifer looked between them, his expression quizzical. “Banana? As in…oh dear, that’s not even a euphemism is it?” At Link’s nod, he gave her a piteous glance. “Well, alright then. I can’t argue with the results, disappointingly banal as they may be.”

Turning to Link, he asked, “I don’t suppose you would have a banana on hand then, would you?”

As it turned out, he did.

Holding it out to Riza where she could see it, Lucifer quickly snatched it back before she could close a hand around it. She growled at him, but he held up a finger, demanding patience.

“Let’s make a deal, Lady Vengeance. I give you this banana, and you let us part ways without incident so you can continue on your merry way, and I can finally see this Impa and get this little interdimensional problem of mine sorted out.”

“Yes,” she practically sighed, reaching out her hand longingly.

With imperious regard and grand generosity, Lucifer gently placed it in her hand. He patted her arm, picking up her knife and handing it back to her. “Off you pop now.”

“Of course.” Shaking her head suddenly, as if a spell had been broken, she backed away slowly, into the bushes. Before fading into them, she pointed a knife Link’s way. “Watch yourself, Hero. Next time we meet, you won’t be so fortunate.” Clutching the banana close to her chest, she disappeared in an explosion of black magic, so bright it blinded them both temporarily.

When the air had cleared, the road was clear, and Lucifer was standing before him expectantly, fixing his cufflinks. “Shall we?”

Link opened his mouth, then closed it. Opened it again but nothing came out. He had so many questions pertaining to, foremost, what had just transpired, what Lucifer had even done to the woman, and most importantly, what were the chances he would have had that banana on hand at just the right moment? He hated bananas!

He had seen a lot of strange shit in his life, but this was definitely - and dangerously - coming close to the most insane thing he had encountered since he had awakened in the Resurrection Shrine four months ago. Something dangerously like panic started to steal over him, like perhaps he should have heeded the little voice in the back of his head that had warned him not to eat that handful of deeply suspicious mushrooms he had found buried at the bottom of his sack the day before.

Fortunately, his mental breakdown was interrupted by Lucifer clapping a hand on my shoulder. 

“No need to thank me, as it were. I can tell you’re quite the laconic sort. But we really should get going. Goodness knows how the Detective is faring without me. She can be quite emotional.”

Pausing, he gave Link a good once over. “I have to say, you look quite ill-sorted, my long-eared friend. I’d say a good drink would bring you around, but as we’re in the middle of nowhere, that’s not going to be happening anytime soon, which suggests we should get a move on, yes?”

Numbly, Link nodded, burying all of his existential terror and confusion in the place where he put all of his feelings that did not contribute to his ongoing survival: deep inside, where they would likely fester until he died - which, as it stands, could be happen at any point in his near future. 

But not today.

He survived Calamity Ganon, Link thought. He could survive this.

Taking a deep breath, he sheathed his sword. Lucifer patted his shoulder. They started to make their way down the path. They managed to make it a good fifty or so feet before Lucifer got antsy and started talking again.


End file.
